As always heartbroken, screaming in silence, crying with out been notice, loving a ghost. I am constantly torn apart by my feelings, people, time, space, freedom. I am sick and tired of everything. I melt every time I am faced with walls I wished had doors. I cant help someone that does not want to be helped. Truth is I am a fighter and its hard to let go. I hate drama and that's why I ask for honesty. Instead I am pushed away and ignored. I know I sound dreadly pitiful, but please don't feel sorry for me, I AM the cause, the reason, the one who chose this. So please don't, is something I have to deal myself. How many times have I tried to walk away from something I know it will only bring me to tears at the end. I am so afraid of losing it. If I am not needed then why should I have the need. Why make him my priority when I am simply an option. I guess is NOT understood I am the one alone and left to the mercy of my thoughts.
Friday, 28 May 2010
Saturday, 22 May 2010
Italia mia!
Oh I love Italy! It makes my heart warm and happy! If I could ask for one wish would be to live in Italia. Then I would not care about broken hearts and any other kind of crap! So I am making this promise, in 5 yrs from now,IF I don't get what I want I am moving to Italy. THAT is a PROMISE!!! :) I will live my last days in a wonderful place! and who knows maybe some Sexy Italian will come and sweep me of my feet! :) and we can live in a small villa on top of a hill full of olive trees and kids running around screaming CIAO BELLA MAMA!!! LOL wouldn't that be so cute? I can just picture myself cooking like crazy for my hard working husband and my Italian babies. Some bread, olive oil, cheese, tomato, basil, pasta, pizza, gelato and tons more! Uh isn't Italian Cuisine the best! I love it, just one more reason to live there among many others. Like the weather, the freshness feeling of life, everything green and old, something to look forward if things don't turn out the way I plan! and now that i think about it, option B sounds so much better! Uh steamy! :) Have you ever watch 'Under the Tuscan Sun'? Hands down one of my favorite movies minus the rated R parts. But Love it. Just yesterday I watched 'Letters to Juliet', Oh men, so cute! the scenery is beautiful, I was amazed by how beautiful Italy is. I have been there twice and Loved every single minute of it! Love the language, Love the people, the culture, their history and how happy and romantic they are! That's why I am calling my daughter Vienna Alessandra (or some other Italian City) and going to Venice for my Honeymoon, so forget about Paris, VENICE all the way!
Wednesday, 19 May 2010
im·pa·tience
–noun
1.lack of patience.
2.eager desire for relief or change; restlessness.
3.intolerance of anything that thwarts, delays, or hinders.
Lately I have notice that I suffer from this disease, truthfully that's how it feels. I have been so impatient that I really have to work on it. Is like my heart cant take it! I been like this since I was a little kid. I guess it developed due to my mother. Hahahahaha NOT that I am blaming her. Well maybe just a little, jajajaja, NO not really. See, whenever we would go and run some errands, my mom would always say: 'wait here, I wont take long' and like a good girl. I did. BUT that 'I wont take LONG' took for freaking ever. To the point that I started crying! because I was so upset about it. I guess I don't like to be told that something is going to happen in a certain way and it never does. Because I don't mind waiting if its 6:00 and they tell me they will be out at 10:00. I can wait 4hours without a problem, but please be out at 10. Cause if its 10:05 and you are not out I start to get upset, so IF 10:30 comes around and you are not with me, the next time you see me I'll be super upset or crying! Alright??? LOL But please oh please do tell me when you are planning to come out, because if i don't know it works even worst, because then I don't have a finish point and Ill be crying 5min after your gone! LOL
Now if you update me on things during that time then we are totally fine, as long as I am getting updates. You know me and my imagination might think you abandon me! LOL
“One has to wait without impatience for what should come, and yet at the same time do everything within one's power as though one were impatient and as though one were solely responsible.”
Oh today my roommates and I (well... Not sure about Kaycee) will run (Maybe, probably, mostly sure we will walk) a 5k. Don't know where yet though! But i guess is going to be fun!
Saturday, 8 May 2010
Thursday, 6 May 2010
The one with the FRIENDS realization.
May is here, I don't want to say finally because it means that I will be 25 in... let me see... 19days. Wow and the only thing that I am maybe looking forward is lower rate on my car insurance IF i get it AND IF its true! I have plans to go skydiving, but that wont be till probably June. I am not freaked out about jumping out of a plane (I might be once I am up there) but I am at the landing! I am afraid my knees are just going to break, but I WILL do it just because I am cool like that! LOL
Life is going good so far (but like I said on prev post, with a few exceptions, not bad ones, just different).
Love is a tricky subject for me. The love of my life is so close and yet so freaking far. I am so so so so Happy to know he is there. But is so hard to know I cant have him. I guess a lot of us go thru that, my case is a bit special. I like to call it my soap life, cause in a way, that is what is like! You know those stupid shows that never have an ending EVEN if the world knows you should be together but a series of unfortunate events take place? Well that is pretty much like it! I do love him and been the emotional, caring, loving person that I am, is pretty darn hard not to express those feelings. In a way I am trap to how much I can do. We know, we know and it goes two ways. He decides to do whats right for him, and in that right I either end loosing or winning. NOT that it is a game, BUT that's the only way I can phrase it. I wish so hard to be free to express myself without being locked.
On a different subject and along my Title line:
I guess I have always though I was a Monica, you know cause I am a bit of a clean freak, like my things a certain way and love to cook?
Well as I have watch the seasons I have slowly realized THAT I am def NOT her! LOL I know is stupid but I can bet ya that most people identify with one character or another. Am I right? Specially if you love FRIENDS.
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