Jealousy

Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. ~Jennifer James

Its been a week already since my last blog and like always, me, on my couch!!! thinking about life and things that come with it, wishing that some how we can get the better part in it. But we do have to realize that things are not peachy and dandy as we would wish.
Why Jealousy, you may ask yourselves? well its pretty simple, because... I am experiencing this feeling and its not pretty. So. I googled this shenanigan and found the quote above and its so freaking true. But its hard not to feel it. dumb? I know! but, I really like this guy and if I don't let it out is going to torment me and bug me and make me feel unwanted.
The fact that he talks to other girls and see other girls does not necessarily mean that he wants them, but that is what my mind tells me to think. And then the not so fun thoughts, come, I am not good enough, I am not this Barby looking doll, I am not cool and I will never find someone that will think I am the one. For some odd reason a kind of forgotten man told me once I deserved better... what does that exactly mean? I don't want you anymore because I have found someone much better than you!???
What the deuce and me? so going back to the jealousy thing! I feel jealous of those girls, those girls that have their attention, HIS attention to be quite exact. those girls that I think are far more pretty, thinner, and more fun (funner?)!!! I am Jealous of that girl I cant be. because I am who I am.
So yea! I suppose I can follow that quote and find myself and make others jealous of me. but so far I am still here and all I want to say to him is I like you... pick me. Choose me. Love me
so far? don't have quite the self confidence to tell him, just yet. I should just kiss him! now that would be jummy! ha ha ha ha...

OK So.... I am still looking to find another job and well I want a pet!!! DRAMA, DRAMA, DRAMA!!!

Just another Sunday

Here in my living room because that's the only area of the house we get Internet, thinking about how much I've slaked going to church, not that I don't wan to go but (oh well, who I am kidding????) I am a lazy ass. anywho, just thinking about that and a few other things that I am kind of tired of and wishing I could change a part of me.

Yesterday was a really nice day, except for the part of the BBQ thing that we had to attend because our branch manager wanted us there, not that it was not fun but it has freaking boring, everyone with their significant other and us single as hell. After that we headed up to This is the Place park which was super fun we had VIP treatment, it was nice, we got to drive and ride this cute train around this cute pond/lake :) and after that we skipped stones which is something I am planing to make my new hobby!!!

Then Kaycee and I didn't have anything else to do and decided to go to a Luau Party! yeah!!! NOT... what the deuce! honestly as much fun I had making fun of the people and the PIG that somehow everyone manage to eat, given the fact that it looked extremely disgusting! peeuu! sorry I just puke a little in my mouth! so yea I have decided that I am an antisocial bee-ach! I can not mingle for the life of me and that foo sho disappoint me. I will not I repeat I WILL NOT be doing this anytime soon and therefore wont be meeting any hotties for this sole reason, I hate myself. I should be more fun and outgoing right? because that's what I am to everybody else, but for some odd and estrange reason I cant do it with new people, I am inside this purty bubble and plan to stay in it for a long time. That does not help the fact that I am freaking single. Why?, I suppose I am this freak that still believe in fairy tales! SAD? trust me, I KNOW! But I do like this boy and I am pretty darn sure he doesn't like me, only as a friend, I think, which is not bad, but why cant I be dating material. I am sorry I guess I am just a loser and that's where I belong the LOSER designated area.

Friday Afternoon!

Well... One more day in this place that can either be heaven or hell. It really depends on what people we come across and if it wasn't for my peeps here at DFCU consider me DEAD, no more of these people BS.