RIP to My Best Friend

and to the love of my life. Today my friend is gone. Circumstances: Confidential/Painful.  Not knowing my best friend's destiny, we parted ways. My best friend was loved, deeply loved by me. But today he is gone. Sounds like a scary story, it might just be. I feel like I might die with him as well. Sadly he left with out a Good Bye. But here are my goodbyes to you.

Dear Best Friend, I love you. I would have done anything to keep you close and alive. ANYTHING. Reality is, I was the ONLY one willing to do it and when I realize you would not do the same. It hit me hard, like a bullet. Granted. I do not know the pain that comes with a bullet wound. But this is pretty close if not worse. After this kind of wound, sadly I didn't die, I was just in serious pain. But you did. You lived in me and I now you are gone. 

I cannot stop crying, I cannot. My eyes are filled with tears, that your painful death left. So many times I tried so hard to keep you alive, but tonight you are gone. And you will get mad and sad I did this to you. But you wont do anything about it. You are 6 feet under and gone. You will accept it, because you feel like you don't deserve better. Like you don't deserve my happiness in your life. Like you did this and you deserve it. The sad thing though, is that is the truth.You have hurt me in every way possible. You have disappointed me like no one has. You have made me feel like I am not worth anything. You have made feel like I only deserve to wait. That it will never be my turn and that all has been my fault. That I am the one who should not be thinking of you! Guess what? I am so done! I cannot take this pain anymore. I have to let you go. It kills me to know that I am doing this because I want you alive and with me. But you my best friend are gone today. It's tragic. I though you where gone long time ago, to my surprise you came back, only this time you came for the last time. I was ok with your ghost . I really was. I was willing to accept everything and anything to keep you close to me. I guess it has never been enough because there is ALWAYS someone better than me. But again you will never come back, because you don't want to bring pain to my heart. Because you think you have done enough. Because you will NEVER do anything to change. Because first you have to change your pride and then your self-esteem, before you can ever think of loving again. I know that by this I am killing you a bit more and that means that you will never come back. You will stay like that. I hope you get what you want. I am no longer here. I was trying so hard to stay above water, but you have done everything to push me back in. I was so close to forget you. You had to come back and lie and hurt me. You are not the person who I though you were. You are not the person I want. You are not the person I lost. You are the person who is gone today because that's what you chose. I will be better with out you. But it hurts so bad I want to burn this heart that is in me today. I wanna stop having feelings for you. I wan to stop wanting you! I want all of this to stop. Again, Because of all of this I will be dead soon too. You will let me go. you will try to forget about me and you will. Peace out! If you EVER come back, come back as the man you want to be, as that man I love, as that man that we both can be proud of. I will understand if you never want to speak to me again. I have burn you and your pride and for that, you will NEVER forgive me. I am so sorry. You might even hate me. But you will NEVER do anything to change my mind, because you will accept everything I have said. I though you loved me. But you can be happy and I wont know. So be happy. But more than anything I want you to proof me wrong.

Post Edit: I really don't want to talk about it. I just need to vent.
P.E. 2: I needed to make some changes. It sounded kind of hard all the dying and killing! But the idea remains the same. Although, some times I feel like I need to go back and say I am sorry. It hurts me to think I have hurt him. If that is even possible.

In a few weeks...

Ill be heading home to see my family. I am so grateful for the place I work at, they have given me so much and are always willing to keep me happy! Life has def not been easy and most of you know why. But its just the right thing to do. AGAIN we cannot hope for change if we don't do anything about it and I can only do so much. Pain still lingers in my heart in fact I think they have become best friends. I have bee reading Eat. Pray. Love and its amazing how much I love his book. There are so many things I feel and she describes them perfectly.

"So tonight I reach for my journal again. This is the first time I’ve done this since I came to Italy. What I write in my journal is that I am weak and full of fear. I explain that Depression and Loneliness have shown up, and I’m scared they will never leave. I say that I don’t want to take the drugs anymore, but I’m frightened I will have to. I am terrified that I will never really pull my life together.

In response, somewhere from within me, rises a now-familiar presence, offering me all the certainties I have always wished another person would say to me when I was troubled. This is what I find myself writing on the page:
I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long. I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it—I will love you through that, as well. If you don’t need the medication, I will love you, too. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and Braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.
Tonight, this strange interior gesture of friendship—the lending of a hand from me to myself when nobody else is around to offer solace—reminds me of something that happened to me once in New York City. I walked into an office building one afternoon in a hurry, dashed into the waiting elevator. As I rushed in, I caught an unexpected glance of myself in a security mirror’s reflection. In that moment, my brain did an odd thing—it fired off this split-second message: “Hey! You know her! That’s a friend of yours!” And I actually ran forward toward my own reflection with a smile, ready to welcome that girl whose name I had lost but whose face was so familiar. In a flash instant of course, I realized my mistake and laughed in embarrassment at my almost doglike confusion over how a mirror works. But for some reason that incident comes to mind again tonight during my sadness in Rome, and I find myself writing this comforting reminder at the bottom of the page.
Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a FRIEND…
I fell asleep holding my notebook pressed against my chest, open to this most recent assurance. In the morning when I wake up, I can still smell a faint trace of depression’s lingering smoke, but he himself is nowhere to be seen. Somewhere during the night, he got up and left. And his buddy loneliness beat it, too."
— Elizabeth Gilbert

That's just something that made me think and realize that in a way I feel the same, this book is so great and well it makes me remember Italy and why I love it so much. The reason why I should finish learning Italian and the reason why I should live there. Oh memories sometimes your best friend, sometimes your wost enemy. Reason as to why I still Love and Hate. Both such strong words, both so real.

I have so many stories I want to blog about but no worries Ill come back with pictures and fun stories!  :) Love you if you read my blog only if its the two of you! :)