Probably...

One of the worst nights on the book. I was left with my tears, my thoughts and my loneliness again. I don't blame anyone. I did this, so I had to do something about it. There's so much pain in my heart at the moment is pretty much unbearable. My eyes are tired. My mind needs rest. All I was able to do was pray and cry. Asking for forgiveness and clarity. Asking for peace, guidance and to make me strong, while my heart was been crushed all over again. Part by sadness, part by anger. I think what triggered it was an specific response that I can barely remember now, but it sounded something like: Of course, why not! My obvious response should have been: Because I though you loved me. Instead I felt sick to the point that my mind was blocked and his word were my tears. I could hear him but I was not listening. So if you ask me what was the rest of what he said I would probably say: I don't know. The only thing I can remember is him telling me that he was lost, he didn't know what he wanted and that he was having a really hard time in his life at the moment and that makes me want to heal his heart, makes me not want to leave him, makes me want to be by his side. Truth is I love him, his not mine, he will not be mine, I have to let go and believe that there is someone out there for me that will know I am worth keeping. I don't want to talk, I don't want to smile, I don't want to pretend. I just wish he could be strong enough to come back and have words to make me feel better. This is all I know, this is all I can remember. My pain, my tears, his face and that letter that is still in pieces on the back of my seat.